Mother-in-law Poem

Are you a mother-in-law, or do you have a mother-in-law.

It’s not easy either way.

In each case you may be trying to get along with a close member of the family whose ways are not known to you.

When I first met my husband’s mother I felt as though I had to live up to some kind of expectation – to be good enough for her son. Every time my husband said something complimentary about his mother I felt it was a comparison to me, and somehow I just didn’t measure up.

The things he mentioned were small things, like how his mother was skilled at wrapping Christmas presents, or how she would wash the dishes up while she was preparing the meal so that there was little to clean up afterwards.

Now I have three grown-up sons of my own who each have children, so I am in the position of being the ‘dreadful’ mother-in-law. I see my daughters-in-law reacting to me in the same way I did to my husband's mother. I have to be careful what I say and do for fear they might think I am competing for the affection of their husbands.

Mother in Law Movie

I went to the comedy movie ‘Monster in Law’ with Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez. I saw it twice, the second time by accident, and it was almost as if the Universe was trying to tell me something. Even though the movie was an over-the-top account of the relationship between mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law I still learned some valuable lessons from it.

When I was young and going to 'Elocution Lessongs' we learned an amusing poem called 'Like His Mother Used to Make'. I have ‘Looked at Mothers-in-law From Both Sides Now’ , and I wrote this poem to put across my feelings. I hope you like it:

The Mother-in-law Circle

I never had a daughter,
Just three tall handsome sons.
Some folks think I’m unlucky,
But I’m the lucky one.

For sons are easy-going,
No tantrums and no tears.
And when they’re very naughty
Just box their little ears.

But still I miss the dresses,
The ribbons and the frills,
And sharing girly secrets
Of boyfriends, love and thrills.

My sons grew up too quickly
And soon found lovely wives.
They moved away to other towns
To get on with their lives.

And though I tried to know them
The daughters were “In-law”
And I was not their mother,
So secrets were no more.

Grandchildren came, a true delight
At last three little girls,
With dolls and frilly dresses,
Long hair and pretty curls.

Although I am grandmother
To second place I go,
For “mother of the bride” is first,
“She’s mummy’s mum, you know”.

My sons still love their mother
And keep me in the know.
But stepping carefully round the wife’s
The only way to go.

When I was just a newby wife
My husband’s mum I met.
I too was jealous of his love
And so some barriers set.

Insensitive of how she felt
To lose her son to me.
Now in her shoes I stand outside
And through that window see...

That life goes on, a circle yet,
For birds all leave their nest.
And now as ma-in-law I find
I’m going through that test.

All I can do, as mums before,
Is hope and love and pray.
That God will care for all my kids
And give them joy today.

© Joan Small 2006

Live with Fun and Love
Joan

Joan Small empowers people to make positive changes in their lives with her inspirational books and poetry.. If you want to discover visit: http://www.joansmall.com

Turn Worry Into Anticipation

Are you a worrier? I used to be, but I found it wasn't worth it. In fact it was quite detrimental.

I was reminded of this not long ago when I had to make frequent visits to my dentist for a series of treatments. The visits started with an emergency treatment for a filling that had fallen out and progressed through the addition of a new bridge and the removal and replacement of a larger bridge. And talking about bridges, the work I had done on the bridges in my mouth seemed as daunting as the construction of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Without going into too much detail, decay had occurred underneath the crowns on the teeth that were the main support for the bridges and I was most fortunate to have a dentist who was meticulous and skilled, and was able to achieve an excellent result with work that few 'tooth doctors' would have attempted.

My dentist was worried

My dentist worried all through the process. He told me he was amazed at how calmly I took everything. I didn't even need injections for some of the treatments that most people would be numbed up for. He wanted to know my secret, although he had really guessed part of it.

The answer is simple.

I would go into a totally relaxed state each time I sat in the dentist chair and go off somewhere else in my mind or spirit. Whilst I could hear the music in the background and the conversation between the dentist and his nurse, it didn't break my reverie.

When I say the answer is simple, I don't mean that it is easy to go into the state of reverie without practice, though the technique is simple and anybody can do it.

A book to relieve worry

Some years ago I read an excellent book called Relief Without Drugs by Dr Ainsley Meares . This book explained how to practice a technique of relaxation and put it to good use. Dr Meares told how he had tried his technique out in the dentist chair and was able to have procedures carried out without drugs. This impressed me at the time I read the book.

Breast Cancer

Later on I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had a lumpectomy. The lump that was removed was found to be malignant. I was faced with the thought of a re-occurrence. I determined to re-assess what I was doing in my life.

• First, I examined my lifestyle, and more importantly, my attitude. I realised that some of my actions were causing worry and stress., So I handled the worry and stress that was occurring by making some changes.
• The second thing I did was to increase my nutritional supplements and to ensure I took them daily.
• The third action was to re-read 'Relief Without Drugs' and carry out the relaxation techniques for an hour morning and night. This meant establishing a routine which involved arising earlier in the morning. I had to still ensure I had sufficient sleep, but the meditation exercises had a calming effect and made the day flow more smoothly.
  Some people call the state I go into the Alpha state. I have since attended a workshop on Alpha and learned how it is useful in the whole of life to make things flow more easily, to increase efficiency, and most importantly to reduce stress.
• The fourth thing I did to free myself from worry was to change my thoughts to the positive. This has been a much longer journey. Even now I occasionally find myself dropping back into old patterns of thinking, especially self-criticism. But now I catch myself doing it, and quickly 'change my mind'.

Worry is related to fear.

Most people know the acronym for FEAR, 'False Evidence Appearing Real', and that is exactly what it is.

Worry is even more false and in some ways is harder to defeat, because it can be constant, a gnawing, nagging feeling inside. It is just something we imagine. For worry is thinking negatively about something that might happen in the future.

One way to change your thinking is to focus on anticipation instead. The word that often goes with anticipation is eager. Imagine eager anticipation each day.

Throughout this series of books I present a number of ways to change fear, worry, and stress into eager anticipation. In Book Four I devote a section to Gratitude, because it is an important component in changing what you think and what happens to you. Changing what you think is not easy because you will have had a lifetime of practice in thinking the way you do, just as I have. What's more you have had much programming from others to re-enforce the negatives.

A simple solution

One simple thing to do is to look at today, and find the things in it that are enjoyable, pleasurable, and positive. Even when things are going badly, there is still something to be thankful for.

I often hear people say 'I'm having a bad day'. I never have a bad day. Bad moments, yes. Sometimes the bad moments seem to run together a little, but most of the time the degree of badness is all in the mind. Once you recognise the good things in your life you can ask for more good to come to you tomorrow. Then with eager anticipation, expect the best.

Simple isn't it? As you progress through this series of books you will find that I come back to this theme in many ways, and each time you practice some of the challenges you will find it gets easier to think positive and optimistic thoughts on a daily, hourly or moment by moment basis as I have.

My many visits to the dentist were a testimony to how far I have come in learning to anticipate rather than worry. The hours and hours in the dentist chair were pleasant for me – a situation to be enjoyed, not endured. What's more I was thrilled with the results of the dental work I had done and now I can smile with confidence.

Four Principles

If you find yourself worrying, practice the four principles:
1) Examine your lifestyle and your attitude, recognise what actions are causing you to worry and be stressed, and then handle the stress that is occurring by making some changes.
2) Increase or introduce nutritional supplements and ensure that you take them daily.
3) Find out about and introduce some form of relaxation or meditation technique into your life.
4) Change your thoughts to eager anticipation each day.

For more articles, and obtain Joan's inspirational books and poetry,
Visit: http://www.joansmall.com